Children dream about the future with anticipation. Instinctively they push their way through childhood, all too quickly. As adults we obsessively plan wishfully dreaming about a bright tomorrow, and we prepare pushing forward. The future. A blank slate. Endless possibilities.
For many spoonies the future is associated with fear. The luxury of dreaming of the future (in an aspect) has evaporated. Fear flows through every thought associated with the future. Mainly because our health is so unpredictable. When I first became ill I struggled a lot with my emotions. I tend to be more of a type A personality. I tend to be an overachiever, expecting too much from myself. Even growing up I worried excessively. Insecurity feed my worried mind. I have learned to focus on the present, today has enough of its own worries and problems. At times I avoid thinking of the future. There have been times that my anxieties associated with the future dictated my life making me extremely emotional and disrupting my sleep. Questions like how am I going to survive if I have a terrible flare and I’m living alone? How will I keep up with everything living on a college campus? Will I be able to work full time? Can I really have a normal life? If your around my age, I am sure similar questions have flooded your mind. I am sharing this to let you know that your not alone. Fear of the future with an illness, in my option, is completely normal. We battle a lot daily and it is difficult to balance it all. It is hard to attempt to plan a normal life.
This fall I will be going away to school. I am excited about this new chapter in my life but like most people I am nervous as well. Most times our fears are irrational and never occur. I worry about my academics, the translation to campus, my health, making friends, and balancing everything. I attempt to avoid obsessing over it. Fear is normal. I have every reason to be worried, but worrying isn’t going to help me.Stress negatively impacts chronic illness. Anxiety isn’t always in our control. I know determination will assist me in the transition. I am fearful but God is in control. I know this is the next step for me.