Grieving

Six years old is my first memory of chronic pain. Over the years there were different events that unfolded reveling more symptoms and contributing to my pain. Though I was in pain I lived a normal life.

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The road to a diagnosis seemed to have no end. Most doctors dismissed my complaints. I had shared with my regular MD that I would bleed when I brushed my teeth, my hands and feet were turning colors, and that I was experiencing joint pain. The doctor ginned at me telling me I was just weird. I continued to have similar encounters with doctors. Many believed I was too young to be in pain, I just had anxiety, I was pregnant, or was trying to get out of school. The frustration did eventually give me anxiety. Getting a doctor to take me seriously was difficult.

My illness kicked things up a notch during my high school years; five surgeries, endless testing, and a desperately search for name for the monster destroying my body. My junior year of high school, I saw an awful doctor who put me on medication that I was too young for. Along with some simple side effects I began to have seizures.

I never expected my medical answers to impact my life greatly. I figured I would get an answer, maybe take a medication, monitor things, and move on with my life. Despite pain and fatigue I was an active adolescent. Many days I was up before the crack of dawn. Like most teenagers I attended high school. In addition I babysat at least five days a week, attended youth group, volunteered at a few day care centers, and volunteered through my church. I adored being busy. My summers were jam packed with adventure with my youth group hiking, swimming, cannoning, summer camp, sleep overs, and mission trips. Fall was just as busy for me with retreats and volunteering.

I didn’t realize how much I would need to adjust or how much my life would change after I got the medical answers I desperately searched for. Summer vacation was like a blank canvass anticipating a stunning work of art. I had committed to going with my church to Kentucky on a mission trip. As things unfolded and Lupus came into the light it became clear that I wouldn’t be able to go. Thick guilt and deep regret filled my heart.

My pastor attempted to ‘include’ me one Sunday before everyone departed for the trip. I was utterly embarrassed, wanting to hide under a rock. After, I slipped away to the bathroom. Locking myself in the familiar stall I sobbed uncontrollably. That is the moment the truth about chronic illness whacked me in the face. I am not going to get better. I am chronically ill. It was a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around.

I went through months of grieving off and on. I grieved all the things I could no longer do. I grieved the time my illness robed. I grieved the events I missed out on, like prom. That period of grieving was necessary in order for me to move forward.

Grieving can be a difficult part of being diagnosed. However, it is healthy and most times necessary. It is okay to grieve all that your illness has stolen. Be patient with yourself. You need time to learn the ropes of living with a chronic illness. Grieving is only a season in your life, learn from it, it will be over soon.

How do you handle grief from your illness?

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Author: Victoria

Welcome, it is an honor you dropped by. I am Victoria. A twenty-something-year-old battling multiple chronic illnesses while learning how to thrive. Chronically Hopeful was designed to educate others and to provide support to those who are chronically ill. Proving encouragement to others is essential to me. I share my health on here. My major illnesses are Lupus, Hyperadrenergic Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, EDS, Mast Cell, Endo, and Ulcerative Colitis. I want to share my story with you hoping you will experience support; that someone else understands your pain, struggles, and frustrations. God has chosen not to heal me but to hold me. The more intense the pain the closer his embrace”. My faith, as a Christian has sustained me through the stormy waters of the past few chapters of my life. I desire to grow closer to God and lead others closer to Him. I help lead two online women’s Bible studies. I also post devotionals. I am pursuing my bachelor’s degree through Liberty University’s online program. Despite my illnesses, I have thrived in school. I am a member of Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society, Psi Chi the International Honor Society, and Tau Sigma Honor Society. Abby is my service dog in training. I also have three cats Gracey, Fluffy, and Sadie Rose. I am looking forward to hearing your precious story. Sending hugs, prayers, and spoons. Have an amazing day!

2 thoughts on “Grieving”

  1. Thank you for sharing this and encouraging us. So many people don’t know that grieving is okay, it has it’s purpose in it’s time and place.

    I could give a Sunday School answer and say I turn to God’s word when I’m grieving, and I have for a long time, but honestly I just shut myself in my room, pull up a pillow and sob until I can’t sob anymore. God isn’t going to leave me because I’m sad about something. Instead, he’s going to come closer because he is always close to the brokenhearted and downcast. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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