Pictures of The Past

A picture is worth a thousand words along with a few dozen memories and emotions. Capturing the past the heartache of what once was bubbles over.  Sometimes, I avoid looking at my photos, but other days the temptation of a walk down memory lane wins. The days when laughter was plentiful and sleep was not vital.  Staying up half the night with friends was normal. And of course, anything seemed possible. Not knowing that all too soon minor aches would explode into full blown take over your entire life chronic illness.


I look at the girl in those pictures overflowing with laughter and pure joy. The insecurities going through my mind as a teen now seem silly. Things weren’t perfect, but they appear that way. The past usually seems easier as we look back.  There are still days I miss the people who left me. The friends who said they would be there, but left.



It’s true, you adjust to the chronic illness life, but little things happen that make you grieve your past. I try to not get carried away in the what if I wasn’t sick game or the things I miss. Everyone asks what you miss most, in reality, I doubt any of us can narrow it down to one thing. I miss how active I once was the energy. Being out in the sun or at the ocean. I miss dancing, hiking, and doing mission work. I miss my hair. Not needing to worry about passing out or running to the bathroom. I miss my old bad days.


All in all most days I do well with being chronically ill emotionally. I have adjusted and know in my heart that God will use all the pain, symptoms, and every other little chronic illness thing for His glory. He has allowed Lupus and these illnesses to be a part of my life, therefore, I am okay with where I am. Yet, I am still human. I become anxious, overwhelmed, grieve, and ride the roller coaster of emotions. After last April, my emotions went on vacation, but they are back and we are learning how to live together once again.

To be honest, most days are hard in some capacity. Currently, this includes minor meltdowns, severe chest pain, dizzy spells, joint pain, and bladder pain. I have another halter monitor (I will do a review- if I don’t throw it in a lake first). A bladder infection with a side of kidney stones. To top it all off my summer class final is coming up. My liver is holding up though I am cautious due to the fact I need to taper off steroids.

This post is a bit long, but I will be doing a Bible Study update post to let you know more about online Bible studies, which I am excited about!

Can you relate to anything in this post? If so, let me know in the comments! You are the reason I share about my life as a spoonie.



  1. I get it. Looking back can be hard. I was a different person then. The truth is though, if I am really honest, while I would like to physically be like I was, dancing, hiking, able to push, trying so many things, and able to keep going, I would not want the rest. Going through the fiery trials of the multiple illnesses I’ve been experiencing has made me grow and change in a good way. I was “too” busy before. My much slower pace now allows me to be still, to take time to appreciate moments and blessings that I don’t think I even saw before. I may have had energy and more friends before, but now I have a good perspective and people I know are there whether I am up or down. God is showing me ways to be so useful and helpful despite being sick. Weird as it may sound, I have a joy now that I didn’t have before. I think it’s because I have so much more room for God and for what brings true joy, that comes from within, not from our circumstances or what is around us. So like Laura Story’s song “Blessings”, in some ways these trials have turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

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  2. You’re absolutely right. I get asked what I miss most too. You can’t narrow it down it depends on the day. Often it’s the little things I miss. Taking a shower without being completely drained and dizzy after. Blow drying my hair without heavy tired arms. I miss my old bad day too :). Like you I choose not to dwell on that but of course there are days memory lane wins.

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