Hope

The pain intensifies as the minute’s drag by. There is an indescribable ache and stabbing pain nearly with each breath.  A sickening feeling overwhelms my body along with waves of nausea from the pain. As quick as possible I unsteadily get up as the urgency increases to get to the bathroom and on my way, I partly dislocate a knee.  Weakness consumes my body from lack of nutrition and hydration. Anxiety plagues the mind as I come up with theories of what is occurring.

Moments like these it is impossible to read or to focus for more than five seconds to pray. Moments like these are when I need hope instinctively. “Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His ear to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty.” He promises no matter how dark, painful, and hopeless things feel that joy comes in the morning.

There are times when all looks hopeless to others that Christ fills me with His hope beyond explanation. On the contrary, I am sad to admit, there are too many times that my heart aches with sorrow and hopeless tears spill out.

There have been times friends feel so hopeless they have walked out of my life never to return. Countless times, doctors tell me things are hopeless that they are stumped. Thankfully, my Savior has never felt that my health is hopeless.

What are the things which leave you feeling hopeless?

Look! The days are coming when I will fulfill the promise I made to the people of Israel and Judah. In those days, when the time is right, I will cause a righteous Branch to sprout from the old stump of David’s linea.png

 

Hopelessness seems to fill this fallen world. Maintaining the hope that Christ calls us to have can seem like an impossible task. Hope is not a feeling. It is so much more to the believer. It is an anchor to our soul that connects us to Christ.

Advent is a time to rekindle our hope. The story of the birth of Jesus bursts with hope.  Jesus is the source of hope and furthermore our ultimate example of remaining hopeful.  The Lord is renewing our hope today through the first Sunday of Advent.

 

Look! The days are coming when I will fulfill the promise I made to the people of Israel and Judah. In those days, when the time is right, I will cause a righteous Branch to sprout from the old stump of David’s linea (1).png

Lord,

I am amazed at the way the whole Bible is connected to the birth of Jesus. I am amazed at the way that you are always at work mighty ways. Thank you for providing hope when all seems lost. Thank You for the joy You provide. Thank You for who You are. Thank You for the grace You provide.

I praise You for the hope found in Your Son, Jesus, Christ. Thank you for the renewed hope of Advent. Allow me to read the Advent story with an open heart and new eyes. I surrender this Christmas season to You knowing that You will do a new awe-inspiring work in me. Fill me up with You, Lord Jesus. Allow me to be a blessing to others.

Amen

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My Year Review

As 2014 graciously departs, we reflect on the ways it has transformed our lives.  We thank the year for the all the moments we encountered both those in which overflowed with joy and those drenched in hardships.  We have learned an abundance of lessons, encounter adventures, and have flourished in character. I invite you to join me as I reflect on my year.

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Personally, 2014 was discreetly laced with ravishing moments of joy and catastrophe. My health consumed the majority of my time, outside of my academics. One is never truly prepared for a health combat and the after effects. My year began with medical luggage from the previous year. Which included a three month long kidney infection and stones, along with my usual chronic health challenges. Producing a Cytoscopy, I learned I have a fused supernumerary kidney as well as a double collecting system on my right side. (In nonmedical terms this means I have three kidneys and three Ureters.) With persistence the infection cleared up.

In March, my beloved cat Hope passed away. She lost her life to an autoimmune disorder along with internal bleeding. We developed a unique relationship. She helped care for me and provided me with love, support, and encouragement.

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Prior to losing Hope, a stray cat wandered into my house where she had kittens. Assisting her emotionally during the forty eight hour birthing session was a unique experience. Kittens and new life in general provides joy as well as hope. Caring for the mother and kittens were excellent therapy for me. After much internal conflict, with the guidance of my parents, I decided to keep the orange kitten who was born second. He had gently wiggled his way into my heart, with no intentions of departing.

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From the time I became ill, I have struggled to encounter the right doctor. I encountered many doctors who were disrespectful to me, who did not believe me, who diagnosed and undiagnosed me, and caused stress. These doctors caused the majority of my stress. By brushing my symptoms off, they allowed my body to attack me, thus allowed me to get worse. I was fairly hopeless when I met my current rheumatologist I knew if she was unwilling to help, I would not receive treatment for my Lupus. Just moments before the appointment I saw a Nephrologists. I was told I am mental, there is nothing wrong with me, and the doctor lied to me. That visit left me utterly numb. Praise the Lord my rheumatology appointment went better. A few months after being rediagnoised (for the 8th time) my doctor helped me begin the Benlysta infusion.

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Due to complications, I was only able to take nine credits spring semester of 2014. I encountered struggles with the college I attend. Throughout my schooling career I have been told several times that I am not smart and have encountered various academic challenges. For this reason I was beyond shocked when I discovered I had earned a 3.5 GPA for the semester.

In September I was admitted to the hospital due to a life treating allergic reaction to the Osteoporosis medication known as Reclast. Positive and negative things were interweaved into my hospital stay.

The following week, my orange kitten, Tommy got fixed. My mom and I dropped him off, of course I promised to pick him up the following morning. When the phone rang that afternoon, I felt sick to my stomach. The Vet did not sound right as she requested to speak to my mother and didn’t chat with me as she normally would. I digested the fragments of the conversation. My beautiful, energetic kitten was gone. I began to scream and pace. Unable to calm down, unable to understand. My heart broke. We later found out that he has heart disease and a blood clot around his precious heart. Most likely a heart attack stole him.

Recovering from Reclast and keeping up with school work was a chore. Certain symptoms did not improve. I was recommend to cardiology, where we discovered I have POTS.

Though I was consumed with fear I got another kitten shortly after Tommy departed. The Vet and my support system agreed it would benefit my cat Grace and I. We adopted a beautiful curled ear kitten, Saide Rose who is nine months old.

I enjoyed my college courses and succeed beyond my imagination in them. I managed to pull a 4.0 GPA.

I encountered many moments of joy and catastrophe. I am stilling adjusting to life with POTS.  My support system drastically shifted and crumbed in ways. I cherish those who support me and I hold them dear to my heart. I cannot fold into words how grateful I am for the support I do receive. I have been blessed to begin Chronically Hopeful, which includes the Facebook page as well as this blog. I have learned to cherish every moment and to rely on God on a deeper level.  Through God, 2014 has blessed me in many ways.

I would love to hear about your year. Please share in the comments.

Sending New Year’s blessings, hugs, prayer, and spoons. ❤