Pictures of The Past

A picture is worth a thousand words along with a few dozen memories and emotions. Capturing the past the heartache of what once was bubbles over.  Sometimes, I avoid looking at my photos, but other days the temptation of a walk down memory lane wins. The days when laughter was plentiful and sleep was not vital.  Staying up half the night with friends was normal. And of course, anything seemed possible. Not knowing that all too soon minor aches would explode into full blown take over your entire life chronic illness.

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I look at the girl in those pictures overflowing with laughter and pure joy. The insecurities going through my mind as a teen now seem silly. Things weren’t perfect, but they appear that way. The past usually seems easier as we look back.  There are still days I miss the people who left me. The friends who said they would be there, but left.

 

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It’s true, you adjust to the chronic illness life, but little things happen that make you grieve your past. I try to not get carried away in the what if I wasn’t sick game or the things I miss. Everyone asks what you miss most, in reality, I doubt any of us can narrow it down to one thing. I miss how active I once was the energy. Being out in the sun or at the ocean. I miss dancing, hiking, and doing mission work. I miss my hair. Not needing to worry about passing out or running to the bathroom. I miss my old bad days.

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All in all most days I do well with being chronically ill emotionally. I have adjusted and know in my heart that God will use all the pain, symptoms, and every other little chronic illness thing for His glory. He has allowed Lupus and these illnesses to be a part of my life, therefore, I am okay with where I am. Yet, I am still human. I become anxious, overwhelmed, grieve, and ride the roller coaster of emotions. After last April, my emotions went on vacation, but they are back and we are learning how to live together once again.

To be honest, most days are hard in some capacity. Currently, this includes minor meltdowns, severe chest pain, dizzy spells, joint pain, and bladder pain. I have another halter monitor (I will do a review- if I don’t throw it in a lake first). A bladder infection with a side of kidney stones. To top it all off my summer class final is coming up. My liver is holding up though I am cautious due to the fact I need to taper off steroids.

This post is a bit long, but I will be doing a Bible Study update post to let you know more about online Bible studies, which I am excited about!

Can you relate to anything in this post? If so, let me know in the comments! You are the reason I share about my life as a spoonie.

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Just an update 12/5

The past forty eight hours have been demanding in countless ways and utterly draining. Thursday I spent the majority of my day getting some much needed rest. As I prepared to go to the Thirsty Thursday service at my church I collapsed shirking in pain. I nearly brut my face with my straighter (of course my body acts up the one day I need to straighten my bangs because they were sticking straight up in the air). The intense pain in my abdomen continued to come in waves throughout the night. I did my best to hide the pain but was unsuccessful. As the night unfolded the pain intensified. I have encountered abdominal pain in the past, however there was something different about this pain.

The next morning I collapsed shirking once again in pain. After much debate my mom and I decided it would be best to head back to urgent care. But first I needed to get stitches removed from a biopsy.

I travel a good distance for my medical care and overall it is worth it, although it is draining. In comparison to the ER I adore urgent care. Urgent care is much quicker, more productive, and half the staff knows me which is helpful. Last year I was done there at least once a week for IV antibiotic to treat a stubborn kidney infection. Most of the staff is caring and encouraging. The urgent care I go to is very knowledgeable and equipped with everything I need.

Of course they did the norm once I got back to my room; get history, symptoms, blood work, IV, vitals, urine culture, and pain medication. My veins did not want to work with the nurse so I was lucky enough to have to get two needles. I hate being poked more than once, but I understand that my veins (and body) are tired and that the nurse is doing the best that they can. I get annoyed with various things being ill however I try not to complain to the doctors or nurses. They customized ice tea for me in preparation for my CATSCAN (not the best ice tea I’ve had).

I was shocked that the pain medication did not help at all. I was still at a nine, near tears, and doubling over. They gave me more medication which helped a tiny bit. I tried to rest but couldn’t get comfortable.

Most of the CATSCAN staff recognizes me, so we chat as they prepare me for the test. I enjoy the ride there and back this time of year because the hall ways are decorated for Christmas. Christmas makes everything better.

It took hours to get the results however they were not surprising. A cyst broke near my kidney on Thursday. In addition I have another cyst (Thank you Endo) and at least one more kidney stone. I have been passing kidney stones for a year now it’s a bit much. It is demanding on the body to say the least. I think I know how to ‘fix’ the issue so that my body will quit making them. I need to wait for another doctor’s appointment this week and hopefully they will listen to me.

Of course having three kidney and an extra tube complicates things even more with the kidney stones.

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Pain medication is providing little relief. I need to attempt to rest, pray I sleep some, and just push through till I see the other doctor. Hopefully the cyst will break soon and the stone will pass. Of course this is all happening right when I have finals hopefully I can do well despite this medical mess.

If you have had kidney stones or cysts share you experience in the comments! I would love to hear from you.

Sending you lots of Christmas prayers, spoons, and hugs ❤